depression

depression confession

/ kate58 / 1 Comment

is that my black dog talking?
or is that the way I truly feel?
with the death of normalcy
sometimes I can’t discern what’s real

recently I had a birthday
which – surprisingly – was swell
thanks to my partner, my friends & neighbours
I dodged a lockdown birthday hell

so it’s hard to understand
why I now feel so bemused
why I’m so desperate for sleep
why my heart feels sorely bruised

it could be that I’m homesick
God knows I miss my family
perhaps I hurt because my homeland
is now a total calamity

I admit I’m worried about money
I imagine others are, too
living off my overdraft
is never a thing I wanted to do

the daily headlines are horrendous
too many innocents are dying
what with folk with fucked-up priorities
‘n racist politicians lying

or maybe I’m just worried
about what is yet to come
for the many marginalized
who’ve yet to hear the freedom drum

I give a shout out to those folks
who tune in here each day
but when I’m sad or fearful
all my words just fade away

so apologies for my silence
I do not mean to be a jerk
writing is usually my solace
but just now, it does not work

copyright © 2020 KPM

depression confession

weary

/ kate58 / 1 Comment

it went away
the poem I meant to write
it vanished
with today’s sunlight

it’s gone
a poetic door now closed
like the blood of protesters
scrubbed ‘n hosed

they disappeared
words I thought were so profound
no one wants to hear
pleas from the urban ground

I lost them
all those words I wanted to say
probably wouldn’t have helped
any old way

copyright © 2020 KPM

harder

/ kate58 / Leave a comment

it would be a hard task
ripping off that mask
unsure if she’s ready to share
certain that no one would care

new lines in her face point down,
down
grief makes her tired
it makes her frown

there’s no one
to apportion blame to
she’d ask for help
but she’s ashamed to

is she mad? she wonders,
are strangers really staring?
such a burden this is,
a load she’s tired of bearing

how long in the ground
before a body grows cold?
sorrow seductively questions
the point of growing old

lines deepen around her eyes,
eyes
that saw a bright future,
now dimmed by daily cries

copyright © 2019 KPM

mornin’ prayers

/ kate58 / Leave a comment

naked I stand
before my father
‘s another dreich day
‘n I’m wonderin’ “why bother?”

in the shower
I try to pray
will this soap & water
will wash my sins away?

naked before my father
I dress to the sound of rain
do they make clothes to cover
heartache or pain?

Springsteen blarin’
from the speakers
as I try to decide
between boots or sneakers

heavenly,
the sound of that saxophone
my heart throbs
with memories of home

in front of my father
naked I stand
gazin’ into the mirror
I behold a jungle land

copyright © 2017 KPM

lost

/ kate58 / Leave a comment

still grieving,
worried about her overdraft
she feels unsettled,
in need of a life raft

she’s drinkin’ too much
hours she spends, sleepin’
awakening to discover
in her dreams she’s been weepin’

tormented daily
by Satan’s inquisitor
all alone she longs
for someone to visit her

it’s been a week
since her mobile rang
& everyday she jumps
at the mail slot’s clang

copyright © 2017 KPM

unglued

/ kate58 / Leave a comment

I keep waking
my hands shaking
getting dressed,
button holes defy me
time speaks a new language
as days fly by me

feels like my soul
is no longer whole
& it keeps raining
3 days of endless night
a bottomless pit
where I can find no light

off I trot
face wet & hot
all my meds
my doctor has doubled
but they heal nothing
my heart remains troubled

just one more touch
I’m smoking too much
so unconcerned
if I should die
all cares, all sorrows
away they’d fly

feels like I’m failing
flailing
one foot in front of the other
through air that’s foul & dense
trying hard to come to terms
with a world that makes no sense

copyright © 2017 KPM

conundrum

/ kate58 / Leave a comment

chest no longer thrust proudly out
like that of a pouter pigeon
bit by bit each day
she’s losing her religion

a long dreaded loss
has reduced her to a wraith
28 years later,
once again – she’s lost her faith

is God in heaven, laughing?
she’s certain He’s decreed
that she’ll forever be denied
anything – anyone – she might need

the worst has finally happened
yet the Lord keeps her alive
what deity would do this?
she’s not sure she will survive

32 days in
& by sobs she’s still wracked
faking smiles for all those people
who want the “old Kath back”

well, grief is messy, folks
have you never suffered a loss?
& she has yearnings of her own,
for your opinion she gives not a toss

alone in bed, she hugs her pillow
clad in her Mom’s t-shirt
watchin’ shite on telly
tryin’ her best to deal with the hurt

asleep, she dreams of returning
to the land of her birth
but how’s she’s supposed to live in a country
where skin colour dictates ones’ worth?

copyright © 2017 KPM

even angels make mistakes

/ kate58 / Leave a comment

misfortune dogs her footsteps
though she’s committed no crime
her daily life is chaos
in what’s supposed to be her prime
wind roars in her ears
heart beats with an infernal rhyme
seductive are the voices
which keep whispering
“it’s time”

the working-class continue
with their bingo & horse races
immune to clouds above
that resemble laughing faces
children skip to school
their bickering mouths filled with braces
she watches, the back of her throat slimed
with bitter Zopiclone traces

yet she awakens every morning
to another church-bell dawn
downs endless cups of coffee
in a faded gown of black chiffon
an hour at a time
she resists thoughts of all that’s gone
in the memories of those who love her
she’ll find the strength to carry on

copyright © 2015 KPM

even angels make mistakes

blue nails

/ kate58 / Leave a comment

every morning she awakens
eyes crusted with bleariness
opens the bedroom curtains
to a sky of steel dreariness
stomach filled with cramps of dread
as once again she struggles out of bed

neuralgia grips her
uncertainty leaves her wired
weary of the daily struggle,
unbearably sad ‘n desperately tired
would friends & lovers salty tears shed
if they received word that she was dead?

by the black dog’s gleeful bites
her soul has been tossed
a fucked up life of faults ‘n errors
where the wires always get crossed
many mistakes have been made, but the wrongs don’t have to last
if she’d just learn to forgive herself – let yesterday stay in the past

copyright © 2015 KPM

blue nails

ice

/ kate58 / Leave a comment

the coldness grows around her heart
with the passing years she drifts further apart
from all humanity – those who claimed they cared
but she’s happy in her solitude – she is not scared

colder she grows – more resolute
friends, acquaintances, colleagues – everybody gets the boot
she’s loved until her heart was sore
love does no good any more

cold is God’s breath as it blows on her
constant pain in her chest doth stir
it’s not the way she wanted to be
she continues the battle, determined not to flee

copyright © 2015 KPM

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